Real, True, Actual Headlines Of The Zombie Apocalypse
Pregnant Woman, Unborn Baby Survive Being Abducted, Set on Fire, Shot
Dies of hiccoughs.
Miami police kill naked man found eating another man's face
ACLU objects, saying "He wasn't given a fair chance to explain why he was eating that man's face!"
Pope's butler vows to help Vatican scandal probe
Man contends he is expert at probes.
Ga. woman battling flesh-eating bacteria speaks
Says: "Hey! Could one of you guys maybe get this flesh-eating bacteria off my face?!"
Lighter winds help in fight against NM wildfire
Ironically, lighter winds started the fire.
As Blue Crabs Rebound, Maryland Takes Chefs On Field Trips To Promote Them
Free-throw drills with arthropods improve shooting percentage for Kansas City team.
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Sat, 31 Mar 2012 3:07:10
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So he lit up his lantern, and got his saddle-bags, and we started. andromeda aerwyna
AP
Immigrants fearing deportation make plans for kids
"I wouldn't 'plans' exactly, but we have to have something to do while we're waiting!"
Romney rivals may go after him for flip-flops
"He'd make a lousy president, but he has great taste in casual footwear!"
Syria warns countries not to recognize opposition
"Just pretend you don't know them!" advises social director.
American growth theorists top contenders for Nobel
"Off with their heads - that'll stump 'em!"
Sundown: No Florida schools in AP Top 25
Money-saving scheme to eliminate education to begin at dusk wins journalism admiration
Reuters
Merkel, Sarkozy promise new crisis package, offer no details
"We're not quite sure what kind of disaster we can cook up, but it'll be a doozy, we promise you that!"
Yemeni opposition doubts Saleh pledge to quit soon
"Look, I just started with the nicotine gum, okay? Gimme half a chance!"
California allows college aid to illegal immigrants
Universities to offer new "BC" degree: Bachelor of Coyote-ing
U.S.
Unemployed seek protection against job bias
"You come in, you interview, and first thing you know, the bastards want you to WORK!"
World
Quartet tries to restart Israeli-Palestinian talks
Baritone Steph Hartsel suggests "All We Are Saying" as inspirational number
Libya govt says takes landmarks in Gaddafi hometown
Street signs, pavement markings, survey monuments removed as keepsakes
Politics
Romney responds to Mormon flare-up; Perry passes
"I'm using the same salve I've always used in the past," says candidate, "and I've told the Governor repeatedly that I'm a happily married man, and I'm just not interested."
Health
New prostate cancer test advice overturns dogma
Even more amazing than the Virgin Mary appearing on a piece of toast, MRI's all over the world are turning up these words: "Hey, Pope, let priests get married, okay?"
Kids' ER concussion visits up 60 pct over decade
Padding of waiting room furniture and walls ineffective, OSHA officials say
Science
Scientists to develop deep ocean seismic network
Network to ponder questions such as "Why did God put us on this earth if only to suffer then die?" while waiting for quakes
Saturday's Draconid meteors may be no-see-ums
But, unfortunately, may yet be yes-crush-ems
Insight: Nobel winner's last big experiment: Himself
First to win dual awards in "Time Travel" and "Cloning", recipient is beside himself with pride
Monkey mind control -- a breakthrough for paralysis?
Congress submits to implants
Odd
Minn. woman accused of robbing home to buy porn
Ill-informed miscreant apparently unaware that this stuff is available free on the internet
Police: Man impersonating cop pulls over real cop
... who was impersonating drunk driver at the time
Salt Lake City underwear run sets world record
"These are, without a doubt, the worst pantyhose I've ever had," says 50-foot Mormon woman.
Medical pot user turned in by pizza delivery man
"Dude, he was so spaced-out, I had to put him to bed! I ate the pizza myself!"
Tech
Sprint down after testy meeting with analysts
Jogging can ease anxieties created by ganged-up Freudians
Rdio extends free trial period for music plan
Arrests and court dates still available for music-download sting
Disney CEO Iger renewed through March 2015
Animatronic pneumatic and hydraulic lines replaced at cost of $29M
Sports
NFL mourns passing of Raiders owner Al Davis
... with music, snacks, champagne, and smiles all around
Faxon wins rain-shortened Insperity Championship
Named 2011's Grand Insperitor
You Get What You Pay For
You've heard it many times: "You get what you pay for."
I think that that is not quite right. What is intended is not that what you get when you buy something is worth exactly what you paid for it, because it is everyone's experience that we have spent a lot of money and ended up with disappointing crap. So you can certainly pay for something great and NOT get it ... old adages not withstanding.
What is really meant by this saying is more cynical, and along the lines of another adage: "There's no such thing as a free lunch," blended with "There's a sucker born every minute."
What "You get what you pay for" really means is "You don't get what you don't pay for."
In other words, although the vendor reserves the right to screw you by selling you junk for top dollar, you must nevertheless be prepared to pay top dollar to get the good stuff. Here's the logical diagram:
small money -> junk
BIG MONEY -> junk or good stuff
Caveat emptor.
Apocalypse Not
If you're reading this, then the latest predicted end of the world, like all the others before it, has come and gone. Admit it, you're a little disappointed, aren't you?
What is it that's so attractive about end-of-world predictions, anyway? And what is it that's supposedly so horrible about the prospect of the end of the world?
We're all going to die.
I'm sorry to be the one to bring you this bad news, but statistical evidence is that the human mortality rate is 100%. So, why do we panic when we hear we're going to die in the company of everyone else?
The post-WWII "boomers" were raised with the specter of total nuclear war hanging over our heads at all times. I think much of the free-wheeling sixties, and most of the excesses and bad behavior of the boomers since then, has been a reaction to that fact of our up-bringing. One can face the total destruction of the world only so long before one develops a sort of devil-may-care attitude about finishing one's homework. It's only a step or two beyond that into drugs, beads, long hair, fringed leather vests, and sexual excess. So I'm told.
And, once it appeared that the balloon would not go up, and the hammer would not drop (yet another apocalyptic forecast gone wrong), my generation, now burdened with the habits and results of a decade or two of debauchery, understandably turned instead to the sweet succor of grossly overpaid Wall Street jobs, rampant and extravagant consumption, and the accumulation of planches.
Because, what it is about the end of the world that is somehow more chilling and horrifying than simply dieing is this: Everyone Goes With You.
Our biological imperative is to reproduce, and to see to it that our progeny are to be well cared for, to carry on our genes. Once that is accomplished, although there is still a certain reluctance to die, at least we can slip away knowing that the world will go on without us. However badly we may have screwed up, the world will go on without us. However grand and important we may think our life has been, the world will go on without us.
But, in the apocalypse, Everyone Goes With You. And, for those of you who subscribe to the idea of nuclear winter and who enjoy reading Cormac McCarthy, perhaps Every Living Thing Goes With You.
Wow. That's literally a buzz kill.
Each of us is reconciled to being a screw-up in his own right, but I think we all take solace to some degree from knowing that the world is resilient enough to, well ... go on without us. But if we have screwed it up so badly that we not only kill ourselves, we not only kill everyone else at the same time, but we also kill all the birdies, flowers, bunnies, whales, worms, nematodes, and plankton at the same time, well that's likely to appear on our permanent record.
And for believers, it's no comfort to know that we ourselves haven't brought on this destruction, but it is that God has judged us, found us wanting, and visited this terrible fate upon us in despair of us ever getting it figured out. It's still the end of everything we know and love.
Well, except not, actually. For believers, as usual, there's always a secret trap door for the select few. In exchange for their adherence, they will be saved from the apocalypse. But still, while they're joyous for themselves, it must bring at least a twinge that everyone and everything else has to walk the plank.
So it is that, about once a decade, we greet some new lame-brain prediction of the end of the world with bated breath and rapt attention. "Maybe this time, it's really the one!" "They seem so sure of themselves!" "The way everything else is going to hell in a handbasket, they're probably right this time!"
And, I'm afraid, to a certain degree, very privately, we think: "Cool. I wonder what it's going to be like?"
I remember watching films of atomic bomb tests when I was kid. They were as common on TV as ads for Pepsodent. I think we all have burned into our minds from childhood the images of that giant flare, that ball of fire, that mushrooming cloud with the streamers from instrumented rockets, the power of the blast sucking up battleships from the ocean, shock waves nearly demolishing whole towns, then the sucking back-draft finishing the job.
Admit it: We love it. We are drawn to it. We know that, finally, we have achieved at least one God-like power ... the power to destroy life as we know it! If you don't believe me, look back at the face of Dick Cheney when he was Secretary of Defense.
The thrill of the Apocalyptic Prediction is the thrill of a cosmic game of chicken: who's going to chicken out first this time? God or Man?
A Great Looking Car
The best car I ever had was made entirely of paint. Well, actually, it's the only car I've ever had.
No, really. It's paint all the way down to the other side. No metal, no rubber for the tires, no engine, nothing ... just paint.
Looked great, that car, when I got it. Still looks great, actually. I have to be careful, though. Over the years, I have just loved parking it under a tree on a hot summer's day and washing it, then lovingly waxing it and buffing it up to a magnificent shine. Hey, it's fine fracking paint, people, excellent paint, but I've polished it so often that from time to time I rub my way right through and leave a hole. That's lame. So, I've gotten really good with the touch-up paint.
Driving it is not so whippy, though. It operates basically like Barney Rubble's car ... I put my feet down on the ground below the car and run. It's got some kind of terrific paint bearings, though, or something, because once I get it rolling, it will keep rolling for miles. Zero emissions.
The brakes, though, are hard on the soles.
Suffice it to say, I love this car. More than anything else in my life, actually. I've had it forever, it seems, and people are always asking me, like, "Wow, that's a beautiful car, man! How long have you had it?" And I tell them I have had it since it was almost new, and they always say, "Man, I wish I could have a car like that! I mean, I love my car and all, but it's nothing like the car you have!"
I smile and nod and say "Thanks!" Little do they know just how right they are. Their cars are nothing like mine. Mine is paint, all the way through.
It's the only car I've ever had, so what do I know? Maybe all cars are just paint all the way through. I don't think so, but sometimes I wonder. I love my car and all, but what would it be like to be in a car that had an engine and brakes and all that stuff I've read about?
If I had a car that actually had an engine, I don't think I would care if it ran like crap. Just imagine! Step on the gas, and it goes! Step on the brake and it stops!
But I know lots of people that have cars like that, and they all wish they had a car like mine. A beautiful, shiny, classic car. But, they don't know.
It's paint. All the way through.
Perfection
Every one of us has his burden to bear
As many of you know, mine is coping with being perfect.
I was not one of the fortunate ones, born in a state of perfection, as were, for example, my sisters (so they have told me.) No; child and man, I have had to strive, struggle, and finally transform myself, as the magnificent butterfly transforms from a lowly chrysalis, in order to arrive at this dizzying promontory of life.
I would like to take this occasion to say that I could not have done this without the support of my family and friends. I would like to say that, but of course, that would be false humility, and therefore a shortcoming.
What I will say is that friends and family have gifted me with ample opportunities for learning and growing, by often and repeatedly pointing out my limitations and failures. Painful as those lessons may have been for all of us, from my new perspective I can see that, while their intentions were never pure, nevertheless, in their innocence and ignorance, they served me in my quest. And for this, I must love them.
Now, some of you may feel that what I have said here is embarrassingly vain, prideful and is in itself ample evidence against my very profession of perfection.
But this is only because you have not properly adjusted your expectations of the ideal state.
Let me help you:
First, you must learn the concept of prima facie evidence. Behold me! Do not shrink back in awe! Understand that you are seeing perfection, then we can move on.
Second, you must understand the power of definition. For example, if you perceive me as being somehow egoistical and self-centered, then by definition, you are simply wrong, as I am perfect, you see. This profoundly powerful tool will be very useful in your inevitable acceptance of the truth, as well as in your own quest for perfection.
Third, you must open your eyes and the windows of your soul to see beyond the shallow dictates of fashion and the common taste. To see that, although I may not resemble society's ideal of manliness, grace, nor intellect, it must certainly be that society is simply in error. This is easy to forgive, as society is unfortunately made up of the imperfect.
Given these tools, I highly recommend that you stand yourself before a full-length mirror and bask in the radiant goodness that is you.
Do not compare yourself to the arbitrary ideal that you have been brainwashed to lust for!
Do not, certainly, compare yourself to me! To begin, you must humbly set your sights much lower.
Using the measuring-rod which is yourself, look deeply into the glass and you will see that your journey to perfection may not be the impossible trek you probably believed.
You're welcome.
